Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Borderline Personality Disorder causes tremendous loss. This is an ode to my loss. A loss that though grieved and healed beyond BPD still requires on-going expression from time to time. Validate your loss, it is your way back. Grieving the pain of the loss that originates from the core wound of abandonment that is central to the experience of what it means to have Borderline Personality Disorder is the way to get on and stay on the road to recovery.

The reality of Borderline Personality Disorder is that it has its main origin in the core wound of abandonment and it is a reality of valiantly trying to out-run a loss that feels like death and that is the actual psychological loss of the authentic self to The Shadows and  Echoes of Self – the false self in BPD.

Everyone will experience loss of some kind in life. For those who develop Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), however, loss becomes almost like a way of life. The very many defense mechanisms put to use in the combating of this loss borderline style more often than not produce much more loss. It is a very sad and painful cycle to try to exist within. It is a reality, this loss, that many with BPD, are not consciously aware of. Somehow I think this doubles the pain. Becoming aware of the mechanics and reasons for all of one’s loss can quadruple the pain, initially. Still, one must wade through his/her loss and actively grieve it if one is going to heal.

If you have Borderline Personality Disorder there is no quick or easy or “pill-fix”. The way to heal and recover from BPD is to grieve your abandoned pain and to take the journey From False Self To Authentic Self by getting in touch with your inner child.

On the other side of BPD – family members, loved ones, relationship and/or ex-relationship partners also know and experience tremendous loss and its many lessons at the hands of Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is my Ode to the loss that I knew as the result of having had Borderline Personality Disorder:

The tears that I've cried
The lies that I've lied
The dreams I've dared not to dream - never satisfied
The tears that I've cried
speak to the loss
speak to my loss
profound loss
life-long loss
the aching, engulfing, overwhelming sadness of a little girl
that lives on mainly in and through the memories of yesterday
a little girl that I had to go back, deep inside,
through the pain to rescue
a little girl that I had to learn to connect with, trust,
believe, and care about
I had an emotionally unavailable and abusive borderline mother
- we had no relationship
The lack of that relationship - its rupture
is my loss
was an albatross
of loss
binding and freeing
a burden and a cross
is and was the albatross of my loss
So too have I lost years to BPD
to that endless protective sea
of hiding and of not really wanting to be or knowing
how to be real - the real me 
numerous years that are gone
years that cannot be recovered or retrieved
years that different choices could have saved
if only I knew how much my loss was costing me 
how much my on-going, neglected and abandoned loss
was compounding - back then
But we cannot know the loss that we are incurring
as we continue to remain unaware of who we are while
in the active throes of BPD
We can only start from now
It is the now of this very moment
that can be one less moment lost - a moment found, felt,
and experienced
Once you know better you can make choices to "do" better
the now is all we truly have
- reclaim each "now" moment, one moment at a time
It is the best that you can do
- it is the gift that you can give yourself
if and when you are ready to be kinder more
compassionate to and with yourself
I had to learn to let go of the blame
I had to learn to let go of the shame
In accepting personal responsibility for myself came the
surrender
looking back in the rear-view mirror of life,
no matter how cracked
gives one only the experience of life as a constant relational
crash - a perpetual loss and pain enhancing
perpetually re-experienced rear-ender
The tears that I've cried
The lies that I've lied
The dreams I've dared not to dream - never satisfied
The tears that I've cried
The loss has been profound
still and silent within my core, not a sound
grieving and crying - to my loss I am no longer bound
the loss has been profound
the tears of a terrified lost and unloved child
so much unexpressed
the need to survive far out surpassed the need to feel
- back then
the tears of a child were not allowed in my house lest
they threaten to awaken everyone
the tears of the child in me did not find expression
until I was 30
the adult woman
wailing woefully the wayward grief
of a little girl not allowed to cry
the adult woman
caressing and nurturing a sad and lonely little girl
softly, warmly, securely wrapping her pain in validating
love and compassion - soul comfort
the adult woman - at last - the parent I never had
The tears that I've cried
The lies that I've lied
The dreams I've dared not to dream - never satisfied
The tears that I've cried
The loss has been profound
still and silent within my core, not a sound
grieving and crying - to my loss I am no longer bound
the loss has been profound

© A.J. Mahari, June 16, 2001 with additions August 2, 2008 – All rights reserved.

Share This:

Borderline Reality – An Ode to Loss