Many loved ones of those with Borderline Personality Disorder struggle with ways to cope and choices and decisions that have to be made. Is tough love an option for loved ones of those with BPD? Why or why not?
A.J. Mahari, author, speaker, life coach and strategist, and author of the ebook, The Dilemma On The Other Side of BPD – Can Borderlines Love? Do Borderlines Feel Love? and the ebook, The Other Side of BPD - Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance for Non Borderlines, in a talk to a group of loved ones of those with BPD goes quite indepth on the question of love, what love is and isn't, and on the value that what she terms as a moderate application of tough love can have on those with BPD.
Mahari says, "It was the tough love of many who came into my life and left my life when I had BPD, along with the therapists and my fellow group members in therapy – the therapy that was my recovery from BPD 14 years ago, that was at the center of how and why I was able to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder."
A.J. Mahari also points out, however, that loved ones must radically accept who and where the borderline in their life is. That it is important, as she talks about in her video, to think a great deal about what love is and isn't and what expectations you have come to place upon love.
- The Puzzle and Mystery of Hope on the Other Side of BPD
- Inside The Borderline Mind
- The Shame of Abandonment In BPD
- Breaking Free of The Borderline Maze – Recovery For Nons
- Facing the Facts of BPD – On The Other Side For Nons
- Overcoming Denial About BPD and Love
This is important because often the practice of tough love with someone with BPD cannot save a relationship or change the course of what is in the here and now but it can plant seeds for the person with BPD. Loved ones of those with BPD need to have enough love to understand that sometimes the seeds you plant now won't come to fruition in relation to you.
Here's the first 8 minutes or so of this two hour talk that will soon be available in an audio program by A.J. Mahari. Mahari's audio on this subject will include much of what she imparted in her talk but also include more that looks specifically at tough love for BPD from the perspective of the non borderline and then the perspective of those with BPD. This is just an introduction.
Again, Mahari, as a Life Coach stresses that it is only through the pragmatic mindful radical acceptance of what isin the life of the person with BPD – whether or not he or she is motivated to seek help and change for him/herself or not – and not rescuing or trying to change or exert control over someone with BPD that non borderlines can live their way to the answers they need for themselves in their own lives.
© Phoenix Rising Publications & Touchstone Coaching Services February 22, 2009 – All rights reserved.
A.J. Mahari is a Life Coach with 6 years experience working with those with BPD and loved ones, family members, ex or relationship partners of those with BPD.