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Many people have heard about aspects or traits of codependence or codependency. What many people do not realize is that more often than not people who lack boundaries and come too close too fast, in any kind of relationship or on-going interaction, often believe themselves to be and portray themselves to be “so helpful”. “I like to help people out whenever I can” “That’s just me” Be careful, these are just a few statements that big huge red-flying flags of what really lurks within those who have Dependent Personality Disorder and/or Avoidant Personality Disorder – any mental health issues or unresolved childhood issues that leave them without boundaries, lacking awareness of self, and the difference between self and others.

What’s the big deal if someone wants to be “helpful” like this?

These people are just not who they have deluded themselves into believing they are. There is a tremendous disconnect inside of the “friendly-toxic codependent” who is usually very passive-aggressive but believes they are helpful kind people because they have not dealt with their own unresolved childhood issues.

These people need help but seem to be the last ones to know it. These people, if  you let them, will bring toxic chaotic drama – theirs – into  your life. Before you know it you can find yourself sucked in biting drama hooks that you didn’t see coming, that aren’t yours but for which you will end up being blamed for when it all goes south.

To begin with they are seeking approval and trying to get into your good graces and are too familiar toward you before you even get to decide if you want to know them better. Secondly, they do not  trust themselves or you. Behind the appearance of what is really “over-friendly” and oh, so “helpful” and apparently, many people like this think they are very “caring” too is a tsunami back-lash of passive-aggressiveness that will rear its ugly head and be projected out onto you in ways that you  might now have seen coming.

Why?

It has all to do with the reasons that these people with a high degree of codependence, avoidant personality, emotional immaturity coupled with learned helplessness, no boundaries, lack of any idea as to how to hear or understand your boundaries, and unresolved childhood issues are actually trying to “please” you because subconsciously to them you represent the parent or parents this pattern began with who were not safe to be around and who did not have healthy limits or personal boundaries, violated their children’s in many ways, never taught them who they were as a separate people and these people continue on this cycle by trying to curry favour and “please” or “help” you but it’s really all about how unworthy they feel of being liked, seen, appreciated, or worth getting to be known by you. They are also equally afraid of you getting to know them because you might  just expose this big dark toxic ominous secret about them — they are really not that nice and what they seem to offer you they really offer with the hidden agenda of all they want and need from you.

Codependence is toxic. The “help” that is offered in boundaryless over the top “people pleasing ways” that are on the surface “self-sacrificing” are really intended to get from you – not give to you, in the long run. The supposed “help” and the seeming “giving” is agenda-driven (consciously or subconsciously) not to help or give to you but by the toxic-codependent/avoidant personality disordered people that really want to try to meet their unmet needs through you. They also seek, via chaotic and passively-aggressively avoidance conflict that is not direct conflict, to avoid their own pain, issues, and personal responsibility.

This toxic type of “help” which is really neediness, lostness, lack of boundaries, personality disorders and/or unresolved childhood issues manifesting in someone who has not yet learned to take responsibility to be what being an adult truly means hurts people way more than it helps them. They leave a legacy of chaos and often anger in their wake. If you get angry at them, even expressing yourself from your own experience, calmly, they cannot tolerate hearing anything that has to do with reality. These types of toxic-codependent people live in very deluded lack of what would be considered or agreed upon “reality”. They operate covertly from a victim mindset that often passive-aggressively (on a dime) can shift into them taking on the persecutor role, painting you as the “bad guy” as they essentially victim you and further victimize themselves. They will, of course, experience their own persecution (splitting) of you as you doing it to them as they project this out on to you without any insight or understanding of said. This, lack of awareness, however, is not to be let go as an excuse. People with these issues need to learn how to take personal responsibility.

There is always a mixed-message attached to the “help” or offers to help and it is usually followed by a passive-aggressive distancing. It depends on the type of relationship but suffice to say, in any type of relationship  this type of codependent, avoidant, lost person without personal and inter-personal boundaries is more dangerous than most people realize.

They not only hurt others they also continue a pattern of harming themselves emotionally as they continue to not get or understand why others want to get away from them at some point. Why others distance from them and try to reiterate their boundaries or make their boundaries more clearly known.

They often lie to parties on all sides of the chaotic passive-aggressive conflict they initiate being avoidant and blaming you for everything. Watch your back, they will often say one thing to your face, and present or have others present an acrimonious conflict-based agenda behind your back. They are two-faced. They give constant mixed-messages.

The dilemma is that the person with avoidant codependence and unresolved childhood issues trying to “help” and “please” you crossing your boundaries to do so and likely manipulating you and gaslighting you for their own gratification is that these people are emotionally toxic, irrational to incoherent, and do not have boundaries and do not have any sense of their adult actual real responsibility generally and especially after they’ve hurt you.

When they lash out passive-aggressively at you they will also avoid you, blame you, try to set you up as the “bad guy” by first announcing, “Oh, so now you think I’m the  bad guy?” perhaps out of the absolute blue. They will blame you as they do a parent or parents and they will collapse to victim and paint you out to be some monster like a frightened little five year old. They may even get others to believe their irrational childhood fears (because they are not here and now fears based on anything you’ve done). They often also get family members or others, even falsely involve legal people they hire, to harass you with all kinds of delusional accusations. Accusations that really reveal a lot more truth about the toxic-codependent’s own issues, need for help, and desire to punish you for not having been willing to be a “rescuer” and someone, who like so many in their lives, lets them off the hook for what they are in fact responsible for. Don’t collude with them. Stand up to them. Call them on their collusive punishing immature and lying behaviour – stop them with your boundaries, right in their tracks before they get their toxic hooks into your life in a way that can leave you way more involved in their chaos then you could have imagined being even a party to by simple proximity.

No. They are the shame projected out on to you that are their patterned fears from an unresolved childhood because as they would tell you, after all, they were just trying to help you. I mean, how mean are you that you’d “victimize” them for that? That’s their perception. It is a misperception in the here-and-now. It is the perception of a young part of a mentally unstable toxic-codependent often with co-morbid avoidant and/or dependent personality disorders.

Be aware, toxic people don’t just come in mean, conflict-oriented or difficult personality types of behaviour. Beware of the friendly toxic “I’m-going-to-help-you-til-it-hurts” avoidant codependent who hides their anger and unresolved rage in over-friendliness – a warning sign of the toxic passive-aggressive “victim” persona that lurks behind that boundaryless and over your boundaries so-called “help”.

© A.J. Mahari, March 31, 2014 – All rights reserved.

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Codependence – When “Help” is Toxic and Really Hurts