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Welcome to A.J. Mahari’s Loved Ones of Borderline Personality Information, Support, and Life Coaching


On the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder there are the family members and loved ones (Ex’s, estranged family members) of those with BPD. In so many ways being on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder is a very painful and confusing place to be.

A.J. Mahari, who was diagnosed with BPD at the age of 18 recovered from BPD in 1995. As only one has who has been there and made it back can, A.J. Mahari has a distinct and unique insider’s perspective and expertise on the subject of BPD and the healing, recovery process.

A.J. Mahari was the child of (then adult child) of two borderline-narcissistic parents. Mahari has been in the loved one of BPD role in a relationship with someone who has BPD/NPD as well in 2004. This relationship experience provides A.J. Mahari a uniquely full-circle 360 insight into the reality of BPD – from both sides. A.J. healed from that relationship grateful for its lessons she learned and further personal growth she gained as a result. A.J.’s work or writing is not influenced at all by any negative feelings experienced in that relationship. It is well in her past. A.J. has forgiven, remained no contact and let go of that former relationship partner with no ill-will whatsoever.

A.J. Mahari is a Counselor and Life/Mental Health Coach who specializes in helping loved ones of those with Borderline Personality Disorder learn to identify and achieve their relationship and inter-personal goals. She supports people in their journeys of questioning what to do, helping them to learn new skills to cope with a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder. Whether you are committed to your relationship with a borderline partner or not sure, or you have just left but you haven’t been able to move on, A.J. can help you to find your way.

The Search For Understanding

For those who find themselves on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder the enigma can be mind-boggling. Coming to find out that a family member, loved one, partner, or ex-partner has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for many begins a search to find understanding. A search born out of care and concern and a lot of pain and confusion.

This search for understanding becomes a journey of identifying, coping with, and working your way through the various stages of that are required for the choices that lay ahead. Choices that will bring with them a myriad of maze-like emotions that can and often do trap those on the other side of BPD in a very painful “no-man’s land” so to speak. This “no man’s land” is the central affect of being on the other side of what is the “borderline” no-win situation. This situation leaves the BPD loved one in the “rock and a hard place” position. This web site will address this and the stages that most non borderlines go through when coming to grips with the reality of Borderline Personality Disorder in the life of a loved one and by the nature of the connection to that loved one, in their own lives as well.

A.J. Mahari Understands the Pain BPD Causes

I have had a lot of experience with BPD – both sides of it. I have felt the pain that you may well be feeling today. I had two parents with Borderline Personality Disorder and co-morbid Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I developed BPD which became apparent in my teen years and subsequently recovered from BPD at the age of 38, in 1995.

Some years later I had a relationship with someone with BPD and found myself on the other side of BPD as a recovered borderline – now a non borderline. I know this formidable and serious mental illness – personality disorder – from the inside out on both sides.

I not only recovered from BPD in 1985, I have also recovered from having had two parents with BPD/NPD. I have also recovered from the relationship that I had with someone with BPD (and NPD). Yes, in case you haven’t yet thought this way, loved ones of those with BPD need their own recovery and healing too. In working in my capacity as a Counselor Life/Mental Health Coach, with those who have a loved one with BPD, I help BPD loved ones to understand more about the relational dynamics that are inevitable with BPD and that in many people with BPD (unless and until they really get on that road to recovery) can be static and repetitive – re-wounding dynamics that mean that all the hope you have for things to get better and work out, often, at some point becomes more of a false hope that borders on the illusion of hope – a very painful experience. One that I help many clients find their way through and recover from.

I hope you will find information I post here, along with my ebooks, audio programs, BPD Inside Out Podcast and videos, helpful as you seek to understand more about Borderline Personality Disorder and how to cope with your own pain and all that you need to know about being in a relationship (or having been in one) with someone with BPD.

While there are many commonalities that those who have BPD share, there are also individual differences in how BPD manifests itself in the lives of those diagnosed with it. There aren’t any across the board rules in terms of how people with BPD will be, how they will relate, how they will experience their relationships, or whether or not they will get on or stay on the road to recovery.

Perhaps one of the most challenging relationships for those who are on the other side of BPD is that of a family member in what are commonly referred to as “unchosen relationships” to denote these types of relationships from significant other intimate relationships.

Unchosen relationships with those who have Borderline Personality Disorder involve having a family member such as a parent, child, adult-child, sibling, or cousin and so forth who has BPD. There are many complicated issues for people in these situations on the other side of BPD as they struggle to cope with what are often worsening and profoundly painful emotional realities for the person with BPD in their lives.

Being the relative, partner, ex-partner, friend or ex-friend of a person with BPD is often an enigmatic quagmire to which there are not obvious solutions.

A general consensus of many BPD Loved Ones, the clients I’ve worked with supports the conclusion that in the end all one can do is love and support the family member with BPD and “hope that it will get better”. This is admirable and likely what many hope for, try to do, and struggle with. It is one choice available. However, when one concludes that love and support are on-going it may not really define what that looks like or how that is achieved or if it is possible (it isn’t in all cases) what the cost – the emotional cost is to remaining in what become toxic relational dynamics if one’s BPD Loved One is not getting therapy.

The choices available to those who find themselves in these un-chosen relationships on the other side of Borderline Personality Disorder when a relative is diagnosed with BPD are complicated and often gut-wrenching choices. For those that are family members it can be even more gut-wrenching on many levels.

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