Can a non borderline help a borderline? Can a nonbp rescue a borderline? From my experience as both someone who had BPD and as a non borderline in a relationship with someone who had BPD (after my recovery) my answer is – NO. Those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder must take responsibility for their own lives, personality disorder, abandonment wounds, abandonment fears, abandonment depression, and more to the point, they must take responsibility for their actions, words, and their own recovery.
Why a non-borderline cannot help a borderline. The issues of self-care versus taking care of someone who is not able to (or refuses) to take care of themselves.
I receive so many questions from many people who are in relationships with people with Borderline Personality Disorder. (BPD) The question most asked is: “Can I help the Borderline in my life?” My answer is, for the most part, NO!
There is a difference between support and help. If it is possible, that is to say, you are not being abused, to support the borderline in your life, by all means, do. However, as far as actual “help” goes, each person with BPD has to want to choose to take personal responsibility, get help and create the change necessary to be healthier.
The biggest problem with this dynamic of the “non-borderline” (for lack of a better term) trying to help the borderline is that with very few exceptions (rare exceptions) any attempts made to “help” the borderline will not be in the best interest of the “non-borderline.” It is also a tricky place to be with anyone. Whenever we think that we can change someone else, or that our “helping” them is dependant upon their changing we are setting ourselves up in codependent/enmeshed styles of relating.
Most borderlines (until a certain amount of healing takes place) do not see “other”, they do not see you, they see only themselves. You, if you exists, emotionally to your borderline are likely just a mirror reflecting back what the borderline chooses to see about him/herself. More often than not,the borderline will not accept what is in this reflection and will transfer on to “other” what is unacceptable to him/herself about him/herself.
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