Narcissistic abuse is devastating. Any and all of it. Narcissists leave untold damage to be healed and dealt with by those they claim to “love”. Narcissists have no idea what healthy love is. For many women the first Narcissistic Personality Disordered misogynist they fall prey to is their father.
Many girls grow up with a father that is a Narcissistic misogynist and suffer untold damage to self-esteem, sense of self, self-worth, become shame based and tragically all-too-often end up with a boyfriend or husband that is just like Dad was.
So many women, are in relationships, staying in relationships, with Narcissistic Personality Disordered men who are also misogynists. This is a particular and all-too-common even more victimizing combination of devaluation, denigration, disrespect, disdain, and the need to extract narcissistic supply claiming to “love” while in fact really hating a female partner.
Misogyny is defined as, “hatred, distrust, or mistrust of women, or prejudice against women”, in Dictionary.com Feminism, is its opposite. Feminism is a an active declaration that women are not second class citizens, in any way less than their male counterparts, having anything to do with the mere fact of gender differences. Women are not in this world to be controlled and abused by men who feel entitled to a fantasy-like ego-fragmented superiority based on nothing other than that they are male. Feminists advocates for all rights that women still need to have equalized with men in social, political, work, and other areas of society and every day life. Most feminists are not anti-male at all. How this fits in here is to explain the backdrop, cultural, institutional, and otherwise that is used against women by those who are misogynistic, generally, and specifically perceived by male narcissistic misogynists as a threat to them, as something that destabilizes and triggers them very strongly.
Males with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are not always misogynists. Though by definition, in interpersonal relationships, it can be, often, difficult to separate misogyny from other forms of narcissistic abuse from a male to his mother, girlfriend, wife, any female that he tries to be close to or win the approval of while behaving in such abusive ways as to make every women appear to him as the “mother figure” that (intentionally or unintentionally) parented in such as way as to engender a negative to hateful view of women and a strong need to dominate them.
Women in relationships with these men need to come to realize and recognize what is really happening to them and who they are really trying to love. Many women who remain in denial beyond awakening to more awareness of who and what the narcissist misogynist in their lives is actually doing to them, then make an ill-advised, unhealthy, choice to remain in denial, putting themselves last. Why? Among potential other reasons, because they are repeating some pattern learned in the family of origin. When a woman knows that she is not having her love reciprocated – that she is not being loved – and she still stays regardless will benefit from therapy to understand what happened in their families of origin that has them attached and/or trauma bonded to such abusive men.
Many women who remain with a narcissistic misogynist do so because they often believe no one else will love them, even though they are not valued or loved. They may fear being alone. They may be addicted to the drama and the chaos. Many women like the fights, think that it is demonstrative of their empowerment, in what is a lose/lose reality. There is something that they are not wanting to deal with inside of themselves or they would leave and get help and seek a process in therapy to heal and break this toxic relational patterns.
Being the female partner of a male misogynist narcissist can be likened to being absolutely tortured. They unrelentingly bully and devalue their partners while claiming to “love” them. Not all men with NPD are misogynistic. However, this particular type of narcissistic male does chronically and routinely in many different ways and styles manifest his hatred and disdain for his girlfriend, or wife in unending bullying and sadistic gaslighting, pathological lying, and triangulating controlling ways.
Women in these relationships don’t just have their characters assassinated by the women-hating narcissist they actually love until they can come to realize that their love is not being returned. In fact, the high toll that trying to love this type of mentally ill man is taking upon their esteem, worth, sense of self, and soul.
8 Male Narcissistic Misogynistic Types of Abuse Women Suffer From (to name only some of the most major):
- Name calling: Specifically, “you fu**ing bitch, c*nt, who*re, pussy” all verbal abuse to subjugate a woman
- Endless Amateur Psychoanalysis: Pathologizing – over-analyzing a woman for being a woman who can not be good enough using psychobabble. Using information on the internet not intended to be used by people seeking to abuse it about mental health challenges and gaslighting a woman into thinking she may have whatever her abuser tries to dominate her with. This is actually the NPD Misogynists way of gaslighting and breaking a woman’s sense of self apart. It is also the way they let a woman know, hey, I “love” you and I’ll be here for you.” “No one else will want you.” His way of trying to further capture you. You may have fallen in love with him but he set out to capture you for his own narcissistic supply and a place (person – extension of himself) to dump all that he cannot tolerate inside of himself.
- Rage/Intimidation: Dominating often constant asking of questions that are accusations and terrifying women into silence. (a frozen response between flight or fight because neither is at all safe)
- Critical Devaluation: Using gaslighting, misperception of what his partner has said, the love she tries to give, as “attacking him” He wants, demands total agreement or he criticizes and devalues how a woman parents, who she is, her family, her friends, telling her constantly that anything and everything (really wrong and angering inside the narcissist) is the fault of the woman because she did this or that – false accusations.
- Extreme Jealousy: They seek to isolate to control, dominate, have you be an extension of them and keep you from friends and family and especially male friends because they cannot tolerate not being the center of your attention as they feel this entitled to be.
- Mistrust: Demanding respect while being constantly disrespectful. He is entitled and you, the woman, you can’t hold a candle to his grandiose ideas of himself (delusional and/or paranoid and overcompensating as they are). Often insisting you cheated on him or will, or that you emotionally cheated on him. If he is not the center of attention of the woman who is his main supply, to him, via his misogyny this woman he claims to “love” is a “useless, disrespectful, fuc**ing cu*t, who*re” tearing at the very fibre of a woman’s personhood in gender-attacks that are flawed false narratives of relational dynamics, distorted triggered beliefs misperceived by the narcissist misogynist. He plays tough guy, but her is really, tragically, a hurt wounded little boy, overcompensating for psychological wounds in childhood, that he has no insight into.
- Bully/Domestic Violence/Batters: So many Narcissistic (and/or psychopathic) male misogynists bully with words, asking questions that are really hyper-critical accusations to set you up for more gaslighting soul-self-crushing attacks. Domestic violence and battery is much more higher in this group of males as it is with males with Borderline Personality when they act out and are abusive. Verbal abuse can quickly escalate to physical abuse; or it can over time escalate more slowly to physical/domestic abuse. Malignant Narcissist Misogynistic Males bordering, more often than not, on Anti-social Personality Disorder (Sociopathy or Psychopathy) often are physically violent and even more tragically many go on to kill the woman that they so claimed to “love”. These men are not capable of giving or receiving love. To your loving them, they will hate you even more and become much more dangerous. There can be intermittent cycles of apology, or “fake” remorse but make no mistake all apologies, or “I won’t do _______________ again” are mere pauses in a cycle over which these mentally ill men have no control.
- Stalking: If you get help and start to disengage the demands and grandiose and abusive expectations of a malignant narcissist misogynist male, and/or your leave, you need to be aware that, more often than not, he is not going to just let you go. He will stalk, harass you via text, social media, phone calls, standing around your house, following you. With professional counselling and professional legal advice you need to have a safety plan and be prepared to petition a court for a Restraining Order or Protective Order of no contact. (Document everything that happens, save all voice mails, screenshots of social media stalking/abuse, texts, emails, pictures, and the like.)
Many women who end up with Narcissistic Men, generally, and narcissistic misogynists, more specifically, have often learned an enmeshed, insecure, codependent style of relating to emotionally unavailable and self-absorbed fathers first, and men partners secondly. Some have Borderline Personality Disorder. It is well documented that the most toxic relationships next to women with narcissistic misogynists, is women with Borderline Personality who are with men with NPD. This is not true of all women who end up with these men however. Having learned a codependent relational style in a woman’s family of origin: many women who end up in these toxic relationships have either been abandoned by their father, devalued for being a girl and not a boy, or have lived under the tyranny of a Malignant Narcissistic Misogynistic father. This can also be a major reason why a woman stays to try to make it work, to try to help these men who need professional help and many of whom are beyond treatment that works at this time.
These toxic abusive relationships see both parties, for very different reasons stemming for their childhoods, re-playing out aspects of highly ingrained relational patterns and at first totally subconsciously. In psychology this is referred to as Object Other relations. When an adult or two adults experience each other (again, can be in vastly different ways and for vastly different reasons) as the Object representation of Mother or Father and in many cases, both.
Women so often want to help, to rescue, to believe that under all this torture is some aspect of the misogynist narcissist that is redeemable or worth caring about. There just isn’t anything there, underneath. And yet, the cognitive dissonance that this abuse leaves the woman with is debilitating. It leaves a woman exposed to and victimized by all of this misogynist (and any/all abuse) in between fight or flight, stuck in the abject terror of feeling frozen. That damned if I d0 – damned if I don’t do or say this, or if I do or say that. Any woman loving a man who is abusing her, devaluing her, hurting her terribly over and over, then seeming to apologize and promise it won’t happen again, and being afraid of him, resenting him, dreading even having to listen to his next tirade over really nothing you have done, needs to get out of this type of relationship as fast as she possibly can. And, with professional help and safety planning, more often than not. If you are woman reading this and relating to this please google and look for your local Domestic Violence advocacy agency or a Mental Health Professional who specializes in helping women create a safe way to leave these types of relationships.
What is underneath the male misogynist narcissist, his hatred, his “my world” versus “your world”, his “my way or the highway”, disdain, bullying, controlling, jealous, “I have to be right” “I am the leader and you will follow me” type domination is nothing but a lost little boy so out of control who was so wounded by his mother that any feelings he may have ever had have fallen into a bottomless pit inside of an abyss of what can only be described as a black dead space inside.
The misogynist male narcissist is absolutely a malignant narcissist. He lacks feelings, he lacks conscience. He lacks insight. He lacks any self awareness. He loves to talk about himself. He will talk and talk at your for hours endlessly if you let him because though he as a monotonous flat affect and voice (unless he’s angry or in a rage) he relates only to the endless sound of his own voice. He grandiosely marvels at his endless bragging and pathological lying as to all of his supposed superior qualities and/or accomplishments. Things that in “his world” a woman has no right to. A woman could not possibly understand. A woman need just admire him and feed him his narcissistic supply while he is an abusive emotional vampire that can’t possibly suck enough life or energy out of his female partner.
These depraved “Women haters (unconsciously) get off on treating women badly. Every time they can put down a woman or hurt her feelings, they unconsciously feel good because deep down in their hidden brain, their bad behavior is rewarded with a dose of the pleasure chemical dopamine—which makes them want to repeat the behavior again and again.” (Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D quoted from her article, 12 Ways to Spot a Misogynist” In this article a couple of very key and common ways to spot a misogynist Brogaard includes:
- “He will zero in on a woman and choose her as his target. Her natural defenses may be down because he’s flirtatious, exciting, fun, and charismatic at first.
- His behavior toward women in general is grandiose, cocky, controlling, and self-centered.”
Brogaard, also states in her article, “In most cases, misogynists do not even know that they hate women. Misogyny is typically an unconscious hatred that men form early in life, often as a result of a trauma involving a female figure they trusted. An abusive or negligent mother, sister, teacher or girlfriend can plant a seed deep down in their brain’s subcortical matter.”
With a misogynist narcissist there is little hope of change. Most don’t have the insight or capability to gain awareness into who they really are and why. They justify and have a myriad of ways of laying out with endless explanation and uber-on-going articulation why they are just so right about everything and why the woman they are torturing emotionally and psychologically at best, physically also, at worst, is not even seen for who she is or was at all. She is a mere extension of his one-sided all about him delusional grandiose “as-if” overcompensating persona. A persona masquerading as a “self” where there really isn’t one, just a façade of a person. The woman involved with a narcissistic misogynist is but an object upon which he projects out both his grandiosity and fake persona and an object that must absorb over and over again the psychological blows of all that is true about the misogynistic narcissist that he will reveal in his projections of all that he will say to the woman he has captured that is really also all about him.
A Narcissistic Personality Disordered misogynist male has no reference or understanding relationally or cognitively for self versus other. No mutuality. No reciprocity. He captures other, the woman, and she becomes an extension of himself. Any woman in this type of relationship or relational dynamic is, whether she knows it yet, or not, suffering greatly at the hands of someone she may well be trying to love, and who she keeps denying is unable to love her. Who she knows keeps hurting her a lot.
The Narcissistic Personality Disordered misogynist borders if not teeters across the line into fitting some or most of the criteria of a psychopath as well in more cases than not.
If you are a woman experiencing endless gaslighting, being told you are doing what your narcissistic misogynist is actually doing to you, there is no sense in staying with this “person” who will eat your alive psychologically to feel better about himself. The more you tell him how much he is hurting you the more he enjoys it. In fact, he will often ask you often, how you feel, or what you are thinking because he needs to pull feelings out of you to use as ammunition against you to feed his need to supply his fragmented and out of control ego.
If you are a woman with such a “person” the malignant narcissistic misogynist male the only thing that can help you heal and find yourself again is not only leaving him, getting away, but going absolutely no contact before you lose yourself to the point where you cannot tell the difference or feel sure of the difference between what and who he says you are, how awful you are, how much you supposedly hurt him, how you cannot do anything right, and the fact that he is projecting onto you his own desolate lack of personhood and/or soul.
© A.J. Mahari, December 20, 2015 – All rights reserved except for quoted material sourced to said copyright holders.