Print Friendly, PDF & Email

personcarrying-blocks-300x300Life Coach and author, A.J. Mahari, has many coaching clients who are dealing with varying levels of consequences, in their own individual lives and life situations, that are all related to unresolved abandonment issues. Unresolved childhood abandonment issues are often at the core of toxic relating and toxic interpersonal relationships.

Most abandonment issues are unresolved issues from childhood. For many they have been shoved down inside and more or less locked away with a substantial amount of pain that needs to be constantly defended against. For some with abandonment issues and/or abandonment trauma in very young childhood it can be the result of insecure attachment and/or a lack of bonding for a myriad of reasons. In other words, there is not just one cause or reason for this. When a young child experiences insecure attachment or lack of bonding its early survival needs feel threatened and the result is the experience and trauma of emotional abandonment.

Does everyone who has unresolved abandonment end up being diagnosed with a mental illness?

In a word, no. However, most people with unresolved abandonment issues, whether they are aware of these issues or not, will experience their manifestation in interpersonal relationships. Unresolved abandonment is a common-ground experience for many who have mental illness and many who end up in relationships with them. In an 10 session Life Coaching Package, A.J. Mahari will help you become more aware of the effects of your unresolved abandonment issues in your own life. Issues that so many people have without realizing it. Issues that can be present and blocking you without causing you to have or be diagnosed with any mental illness.

What does unresolved abandonment have to do with common-ground between those with and without mental illness who have painful relationships?

In relationships and relating, generally, unresolved abandonment often plays itself out in what is a subconscious need for emotional chaos and/or drama. It may not feel as though this is what you want or need but due to your unresolved abandonment, a part of you, in fact, does seek chaos and drama in the sense that there and subconscious efforts being put forth to resolve past abandonment issues in the here-and-now. This manifests itself in relationships in a wide variety of painful ways. When that manifestation is more severe it is often a case of someone having a mental illness. When it isn’t too extreme, but, continues to lead you into unhealthy relationships or painful and chaotic relationships there is more you need to know and understand about yourself and how unresolved abandonment is blocking you.

What about Negative Expectations?

When you are re-enacting elements of unresolved abandonment issues, to one degree or another, whether you are aware of this or not, yet, negative expectations – even negative secondary payoffs – are at the heart of so much painful and often toxic relational patterns.

These negative expectations are truly at the center of the many ways that unresolved abandonment issues creep into the here and now in everyday relational dynamics. Why? Because, on a subconscious level there is a need to replicate past experience that was negative, painful, and more than likely left you feeling somewhat, if not totally, victimized. Efforts to replicate it in subconscious ways that are your psyche trying to bring some resolution to what was very impacting and emotionally powerful experience when you were younger.

Negative expectations are often not conscious thoughts. Many people holding negative expectations aren’t even aware that they are doing this. You may relate to this. You may feel or believe you are surprised as ever whenever things in relationships or friendships or attempts to have a productive career turn out negatively, time and time again.

The negative expectations of unresolved abandonment that color how you relate to certain people, or people who get closest to you in interpersonal relationships, and for some  friend/co-worker and other relationships as well, have their origin in your wounded inner child. An inner child that still lives and experiences life through a victim mindset.

This part of you may be very different from who you believe yourself to be and/or who you experience yourself as. It may also be very different from how you would describe  yourself to others.

The victim mindset of unresolved abandonment, no matter how subconscious, does produce negative expectations that are then experienced and re-experienced in patterned ways that do not create happiness, or balance in your life.

Unresolved abandonment can have many layers to it. In its most extreme presentations it does involve mental illness often. However, less severe issues of unresolved abandonment can leave people living up to negative expectations that they aren’t aware that they have. Negative expectations that support limiting beliefs.

I offer a coaching program that addresses this specfically and that helps my clients tap into how unresolved abandonment issues in their lives are creating and supporting the negative expectations of a subconscious victim mindset that most are very unaware of.

If you find yourself in a series of unsuccessful, codependent and/or enmeshed relationships, or if you continue to feel as though you just can’t find comfortable closeness and an effective relational style that supports you in achieving your relationship/friendship/career goals, you could really benefit from booking some coaching session with me to bring to your conscious awareness your limiting beliefs and unlock them so that your negative expectations do not continue to compromise your happiness.


© A.J. Mahari, July 31, 2010 – All rights reserved.



Unresolved Abandonment and Negative Expectations – Break Free