I was the child of two co-morbid Borderline/Narcissists Parents with alcoholism mainly father and his side of family of origin and compulsive over-eating – father and his side of the family. I was the scapegoat child and the scapegoated adult-child. I have healed and let this go. An NPD/BPD mother who isolated, triangulated, and pathologically lied to her Golden Child and other family members to get her “victim-attention” needs met has made sure that I remain the punished scapegoat of that family of origin to this day. Their hatred has only increased in all these years. I have no hatred. I care. I have disengaged. I have healed and moved on. They are now only hurting themselves. Adult Children need to find their way through a healing process that most often cannot happen without going no contact from such a toxic abusive family system as I did. We can empower ourselves to recovery without them.
I want to pay forward to anyone who resonates with my experience, message, and my journey to wonderful, healthy, and lasting emotional freedom or wants to get there in their own lives – where I have been in my life since 1995 now. It brings meaning to all I went through and all I came through. It brings meaning to others in the process most importantly. It means I truly understand what you are going through. The cognitive dissonance. The not wanting to “lose” today or for the future, what essentially you lost a long time ago.
When you are the adult child of a co-morbid borderline-narcissist parent(s) especially if you are, like I was, the scapegoated child it’s so important to know that you can empower yourself to choose healing and freedom and mental health. It’s a journey. It involves loss. But it’s loss that people suffer for years, often, trying to swim up-stream to continue to try to get what isn’t there for you and never was. The loss that you are trying to avoid, happened so many years ago. Choose to stop re-living it.
The choice is not an easy one but it is the rewarding one. It is the one you really need to make to empower yourself to get into active recovery with someone like myself who has been there and been through it and knows exactly how you feel. They can only have so much control, if we continue to let them. When we choose to let go, detach and heal, we set ourselves free. Successful living my friends/clients is the best revenge. It is a total disengagement. You let your heart heal, it will soar and learn to love again. You will come to know you are not who they continue to act as if you are. They can’t see beyond lies told and believed. They live within the hatred of the mentally ill parent(s) they are loyal to. Often that loyalty isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either. It can be about money and wills.
The fantasy created, often, is that of they all get along just fine, “It was just you.” It was never you. It is never the child’s fault. More often then not in these inter-generational toxic families like my family of origin and also the Golden Child’s wife’s family of origin, they don’t seek change and healing so they pass on what happened to them that they chose not to resolve.
Walk away. Embrace the loss. Feel the pain. I did. You can! It is a process that will set you free – a freedom like you may not have ever known yet in your life, regardless of age. Let those who would hate, hate. Let those who repeat these toxic family dynamics reap their burdens from it. Oh, they are always the last to know. They are the last to get it. They don’t get to get it in this life.
I know there is hatred for me from that family of origin, I have not hatred for them. They continue to punish me, so they think. They aren’t hurting me one little bit and haven’t been for over twenty years. They are only hurting themselves.
Did it hurt not to know what by blood are my two nieces, yes. I still care, but I no longer hurt. I accept what is, is. I accept that they are people who need to punish and hate and who do not believe in getting help. We can only help ourselves. We can’t drag them with us. We can’t expect anything from them. If they had the compassion, empathy, and authentic feelings that every scapegoated child of these cluster B personality disordered parents and by extension toxic family systems they just pass on to the next generation, they would not have chosen to behave the way so many do choose to behave. It means that for them, control, and getting what they can get, (money, wills etc) is more important. But their selfish ways don’t often mean much harmony in their own un-examined (subsconsciously) restricted lives.
In 2013 I heard the exacerbated hatred of the Golden Child’s wife because I cared enough to try to call to see if he would live or die when he was in the hospital. Pardon my humanity. Pardon my compassion and empathy for a brother who believed my mother’s pathological lies, gaslighting, etc, I just don’t hate them. I don’t have the hatred or the restricted ability to feel and care in spite of being isolated and discarded over 30 years ago now by the Golden Child who was my brother and his wife who for a short time was my sister-in-law.
That will be available soon in an audio program and will include the entire phone call (legally recorded) and what I felt and processed afterwards. There are a few other calls (legally recorded) with my mother, to help others learn and grow as I have, that will be coming as audio programs soon at phoenixrisingpublications.com in the very near future.
I work with lots of clients who are this recovery/healing journey of being the scapegoated child of a borderline/narcissistic parent. You can read more about that at ajmahari.ca> or at phoenixrisingpublications.com
© A.J. Mahari, July 9, 2016 – All rights reserved.