Your self-talk reflects what you believe about yourself often from an internalized critical voice and narrative of a toxic emotional abuser. A narcissist, borderline or psychopathic parent and/or partner. Narcissistic abuse causes trauma, often resulting in Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). People end up re-abusing themselves through the internalized inner critic which is the narrative, “voice” of the abuser and is not at all true about you. How can you change this and affirm yourself, heal and recover and know yourself authentically again or for the first time, with your narrative and self-understanding. Relating to yourself from a healthy self-worth and positive self-regard that means you connect with your own true inner narrative and break free from this internalized inner critic. Here are some techniques you can use to do just that.
Self-love, positive self-regard and self-worth begin with positive nurturing self-talk.
1. Keep it real. As I say on my Youtube Channel Please check it out and subscribe! Over 600+ videos.
When you’re honest, you’ll feel more comfortable with yourself. If you know you could have done better in a difficult relational or emotional situation, past or present, acknowledge it to yourself and be kind and gentle with yourself. Part of making progress and improving in life is being genuine with yourself about what you’re doing. Practice radical acceptance to build skills and change that negative – internal critic’s – self-talk to positive affirming and loving self-accepting self-talk. You so deserve that!
2. Avoid self-criticism. Although being honest with yourself is important, do it in a positive, kind, self-nurturing and informative mindful way. Instead of saying, “I messed up,” or “You idiot” or “I am no good at anything” (for example) acknowledge the inner critic and recognize this is still coming from the past – an abusive or critical Borderline or Narcissist parent or partner or ex-partner. Re-frame the narrative. The internal critic that you have internalized and now are turning on yourself, is not who you really are. Be mindful of that and bring yourself back into the present moment. Keep being real with yourself, but, not harshly. Re-frame the internal critics brutal judgmental hyper-critical language to gentle, loving-kind nurturing self-acceptance as you stop judging yourself.
3. Be positive. Talking to yourself in negative or self-deprecating ways is self-sabotage. If you say the same things over and over, you reinforce your cognitively distorted wounded negative core beliefs around the narrative of this internalized inner critic. Be mindful to catch this and to take a few deep breaths. First, practice stopping yourself as you ground yourself. Then re-frame to a more positive statement or think something neutral about what negative inner critic self-talk you have just stopped, relax, and do something nice for yourself.
4. Focus on your strengths. As you become mindfully aware of the internalized negative inner critic’s voice throughout your day, you’ll notice that you inadvertently make comments about yourself. Saying “Why did I do that? That was dumb,” – these type of thoughts are what you need to be aware of and STOP, just say that to yourself, “I’m going to STOP that right now” “I am doing the best I can”. Focus on a strength in that moment that you realize the negative internalized inner critic is running your self-talk again. Journal about what your strengths are when you can. Carry a few re-framing statements from what you journal, with you, on your phone, or on piece of paper to refer to as you go about your day. Identifying and focusing on your strengths will take some practice.
5. Be nice to yourself. When you’re talking to yourself, are you kind? Do you take care with your own feelings? When you show a caring attitude toward yourself, you’ll also perform better.
Substitutions – Suggestions to Use in Re-framing Your Self-Talk:
Instead of saying: “Nothing I do ever turns out right,” re-frame with, “I am focusing on how I can succeed when I do this particular task.” “I am focusing on new skills I’m building.” “I am focusing on my breath.” “I am fine in the now” “In this moment, I am doing the best I can, and that is good enough.”
- Rather than thinking: “I should have gotten up early to exercise this morning,” re-frame with,, “Now I’m going to do my exercise DVD” or, “I’ll walk this evening right after work.” “It is okay if I do not exercise today.” “I will keep working toward my exercise goals.” “I exercise and do a great job often, today, I accept that I didn’t do my usual exercise.”
- If you were going to say, “There’s nothing really special about me,” re-frame with,, “Everybody has strong points and mine are…” or “I am a nice person.” “I am uniquely me and that’s okay.” “I like myself.”
Are you paying enough attention to just how much your self-talk influences what you believe?
Your self-talk, even subconsciously, effects how you think, then how you feel, and choices or actions you make or don’t make, do or decide it’s best not to do. Be mindful of your self-talk because it is driving your mood-state. It is determining whether you feel positive or negative about yourself, and it will also impact how you think other people may think about you. That can lead to a negative self-talk spiral. Be aware, be mindful and know that you are worth paying attention to your own self-talk.
If it isn’t as positive as you deserve it to be, or you don’t quite feel worthy of that yet, even though you are so worthy of that, don’t judge or criticize yourself. Don’t let the internalized inner critic (from an ex-abuser/toxic person or parent) rent space in your head, your heart, or your thoughts anymore. Keep working on building the skill of radical acceptance and self-acceptance without judgment and re-framing that negative abusive voice and narrative that is not authentically yours at all.
To ensure that your self-talk is empowering and encouraging, practice the tips above. You have the power to create the life you want by mastering this crucial art. And, what’s more, you so deserve it. And, this and more that I work with clients in this process is the way to break free from the “abuser’s” internalized inner critic that you have been or may still be being negatively impacted by because people lose themselves to narcissistic gaslighting abuse.
© A.J. Mahari, February 27, 2019 – All rights reserved. © Video content A.J. Mahari, February 26, 2019 – All rights reserved.