Borderline Personality Disorder causes tremendous loss. This is an ode to my loss. A loss that though grieved and healed beyond BPD still requires on-going expression from time to time. Validate your loss, it is your way back. Grieving the pain of the loss that originates from the core wound of abandonment that is central to the experience of what it means to have Borderline Personality Disorder is the way to get on and stay on the road to recovery.
The reality of Borderline Personality Disorder is that it has its main origin in the core wound of abandonment and it is a reality of valiantly trying to out-run a loss that feels like death and that is the actual psychological loss of the authentic self to The Shadows and Echoes of Self – the false self in BPD.
Everyone will experience loss of some kind in life. For those who develop Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), however, loss becomes almost like a way of life. The very many defense mechanisms put to use in the combating of this loss borderline style more often than not produce much more loss. It is a very sad and painful cycle to try to exist within. It is a reality, this loss, that many with BPD, are not consciously aware of. Somehow I think this doubles the pain. Becoming aware of the mechanics and reasons for all of one’s loss can quadruple the pain, initially. Still, one must wade through his/her loss and actively grieve it if one is going to heal.
If you have Borderline Personality Disorder there is no quick or easy or “pill-fix”. The way to heal and recover from BPD is to grieve your abandoned pain and to take the journey From False Self To Authentic Self by getting in touch with your inner child.
On the other side of BPD – family members, loved ones, relationship and/or ex-relationship partners also know and experience tremendous loss and its many lessons at the hands of Borderline Personality Disorder.
This is my Ode to the loss that I knew as the result of having had Borderline Personality Disorder:
The tears that I've cried The lies that I've lied The dreams I've dared not to dream - never satisfied The tears that I've cried
speak to the loss speak to my loss profound loss life-long loss
the aching, engulfing, overwhelming sadness of a little girl that lives on mainly in and through the memories of yesterday a little girl that I had to go back, deep inside, through the pain to rescue a little girl that I had to learn to connect with, trust, believe, and care about
I had an emotionally unavailable and abusive borderline mother - we had no relationship The lack of that relationship - its rupture is my loss was an albatross of loss binding and freeing a burden and a cross is and was the albatross of my loss
So too have I lost years to BPD to that endless protective sea of hiding and of not really wanting to be or knowing how to be real - the real me numerous years that are gone years that cannot be recovered or retrieved years that different choices could have saved
if only I knew how much my loss was costing me how much my on-going, neglected and abandoned loss was compounding - back then But we cannot know the loss that we are incurring as we continue to remain unaware of who we are while in the active throes of BPD We can only start from now It is the now of this very moment that can be one less moment lost - a moment found, felt, and experienced
Once you know better you can make choices to "do" better the now is all we truly have - reclaim each "now" moment, one moment at a time It is the best that you can do - it is the gift that you can give yourself if and when you are ready to be kinder more compassionate to and with yourself
I had to learn to let go of the blame I had to learn to let go of the shame In accepting personal responsibility for myself came the surrender looking back in the rear-view mirror of life, no matter how cracked gives one only the experience of life as a constant relational crash - a perpetual loss and pain enhancing perpetually re-experienced rear-ender
The tears that I've cried The lies that I've lied The dreams I've dared not to dream - never satisfied The tears that I've cried
The loss has been profound still and silent within my core, not a sound grieving and crying - to my loss I am no longer bound the loss has been profound
the tears of a terrified lost and unloved child so much unexpressed the need to survive far out surpassed the need to feel - back then the tears of a child were not allowed in my house lest they threaten to awaken everyone the tears of the child in me did not find expression until I was 30
the adult woman wailing woefully the wayward grief of a little girl not allowed to cry the adult woman caressing and nurturing a sad and lonely little girl softly, warmly, securely wrapping her pain in validating love and compassion - soul comfort the adult woman - at last - the parent I never had
The tears that I've cried The lies that I've lied The dreams I've dared not to dream - never satisfied The tears that I've cried
The loss has been profound still and silent within my core, not a sound grieving and crying - to my loss I am no longer bound the loss has been profound
© A.J. Mahari, June 16, 2001 with additions August 2, 2008 – All rights reserved.
