Codependence is a mindset that is at the core of toxic relating and toxic, enmeshed, relationships. It is mindset that leads people, often without being aware of it, to try to get their needs met by and/or through others. Neediness permeates what are weak boundaries to begin with. On one side of the toxic, emeshed, codependent relationship is the needy person. On the other is the person who ends up trying to meet the insatiable needs of that person neglecting his or her own needs in the process. Unresolved abandonment issues manifested and expressed in different ways is the major common link between people in this relational dynamic.
Codependent, toxic and enmeshed relating is a dynamic. It is an emotional and relational dance. A very painful one for either side of the toxic mix. It is a dynamic and dance that really does take two to tango. Each person in a codependent dynamic has to first become aware of the choices he or she is making. Secondly, then, each will benefit from examining his or her own choices. You can lose yourself to over-focusing on someone else and then end up feeling angry about it. The person who is being over-focused on likely has less idea about who he or she actually is.
At the core of this toxic reality is not owning one’s own choices – not taking personal responsibility – on both sides of the dance. You can’t be fixed by anyone else. You can’t fix anyone. You can, however, empower yourself to get healthier and “fix” yourself. You can create positive healthy change in your own life. That’s the awesome possibility and responsibility you are losing by continuing to choose the codependent mindset which is essentially the victim mindset. A mindset that stems from the foundation of unresolved abandonment issues, to one degree or another.
© A.J. Mahari – All rights reserved.