People with mental health challenges, Borderline Personality, Narcissistic Personality, other personality disorders manipulate your feelings and fool you as you fall in love with them. Narcissists target you. Both will test you as to whether or not you have any or strong boundaries. They know who is likely to be empathic and/or codependent – someone who will over-give while sacrificing oneself. They take advantage of your best qualities and your integrity.
When you find love, it can be a glorious experience that brings feelings of ecstasy beyond your wildest imagination. The faster that happens and the more intense those feelings the more likely, all-too-often, you will come to understand, after a lot of pain and/or abuse and trauma that you have fallen in love with a person that doesn’t really exist in terms of who they fooled you into believing they were. Many find out that the love of someone that presented a good front or wore a mask for a “honeymoon” phase of a relationship was not who you thought they really were was one-way only.
This, is falling in love, with a put forth persona. You do love this person, the person that they pretended to be. The person that you thought they were. Toxic people that abuse do not love you back. Anyone that can disrespect you, let alone abuse you in any way shape or form is not capable of love.
Sadly, not all relationships remain that vibrant and healthy. Many started out, at best, seeming that the relationship was healthy when in fact, you were being target by a narcissist, or idealized by someone with Borderline Personality. While no relationship is perfect, these one-way types of toxic relationships deteriorate to the point of becoming dangerous in many ways to the life and health of one or both of the people in that relationship.
If your partner cannot respect you or your boundaries, is aggressive or hostile toward you on a regular basis, this can be a decimating experience. You may even feel trapped inside that relationship, unsure of how to get out and denying that you need to get out, having false hope for too long that this toxic person can change or will get help. Meanwhile, they don’t take any personal responsibility and you are being verbally abused, raged at, accused of things and so much more.
If you’re trapped in an unhealthy relationship, know that there are ways you can help yourself. Key thing to realize is that you can only help yourself, not the other person. It is the other person’s responsibility to get help and engage that treatment for him/herself.
Open to what you don’t really want to know but to what you really do need to know about a toxic abusive relationship. Being honest with yourself, realize the following:
Know that they likely won’t change. One of the common phrases you hear from people in unhealthy relationships is that it’s not as bad as it seems. Unfortunately, this is often a smokescreen to hide a sad reality from the outside world.
- Any abuse is a deal-breaker. End the relationship, go no contact and get your own healing process under way.
- Let go of holding on to the hope that things will change. It is important to make decisions, in the here-and-now based on radically accepting the toxic nature of an abusive borderline, narcissist, or other emotionally unavailable person. While some people may, at some future point, find the fortitude to turn their lives around, a person who is abusing will continue to abuse you because they either have no empathy or they don’t know how to take personal responsibility or both.
- You cannot rescue a toxic person. They have to want, seek, and get treatment and that’s not something you need to continue to be abused waiting to see if they do it or not. Deal with what is now as heartbreaking as that is and take care of yourself by getting out of harm’s way.
- You can’t change anyone else, only yourself. Get away from any type of abuser so that you can work on changing yourself in ways to heal an also
- Take the necessary steps to protect your safety, and then focus on getting help to heal from the abusive relationship.
- Avoid the blame game. An abusive significant other may make you feel like you deserve the treatment you get. They will often gaslight you saying that it’s your fault that they abuse you. The truth is that you’re a valuable person that deserves to be treated with respect. No one deserves abuse, and this includes you.
- You can lose yourself to a toxic abusive personality disordered person.
- Marriage counselling or joint-therapy is not recommended when one partner has a personality disorder. An abusive spouse may try, or succeed at leaving you feeling inferior and weak. Instead, know that you do not deserve abuse and that you are worthy of respect. You are a valuable person, even if you don’t feel that way right now. Your feelings and thoughts really do matter! You deserve love, respect, and the room to grow and explore the things you’re passionate about.
- Healthy relationships are mutual and reciprocal. Respect is a two-way street. Each partner considers the needs of both of you and him/herself, as decisions are being made. You deserve the dignity and empowerment to be who you are without fear.
- Remember that not all abuse is physical. Many toxic people in an abusive relationship do (and often quickly without warning) escalate to the point of physical abuse.
- There are many types of abuse are often psychological, emotional, verbal, financial and spiritual. While the signs of many forms of abuse aren’t as obvious, and are often denied, this abuse is also damaging.
- Seek wise counsel for yourself – not joint therapy. Seek professional help with someone who understands Borderline Personality Disorder and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other reasons a partner and what you have been dealing with. Seek support from a friend or family member, if they understand narcissistic abuse.
- Harm reduction, protect yourself and know that you need to take care of your physical health as much more is known now about stress, and stress compounded by abuse of any type and physical health concerns.
- Face your pain and loss. This is painful for a while but rather inevitable. The longer you stay in a toxic abusive relationship, the more difficult it will be to leave and to heal.
© A.J. Mahari, April 3, 2019 – All rights reserved.